


Always

by JuliaJekyll



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, Protectiveness, Tears, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2787989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaJekyll/pseuds/JuliaJekyll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if someone else besides Dumbledore had known about Severus Snape's feelings for Lily Potter? A few crucial moments from Snape's point of view, with some modification. The dialogue is a combination of the book, the movie, and me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

I’m in an absolute panic. Sibyll Trelawney’s prophecy is ringing in my head, and it’s as if I can feel the Dark Lord plotting. I know to whom he believes the prophecy refers, and I know beyond a doubt what he plans to do to that person…and his family.

Lily’s face comes to my mind. I still remember the precise shade of her hair, the gentle expression in those amazing green eyes, everything. I memorized her features long ago. The memory sustains me when nothing else does.

I cannot let her die. I cannot let her vanish from this world. I know now that I can never have her, but as long as she’s alive, I can handle that. Somehow. I have to be able to think of her alive and well and happy. I have to know she’s out there somewhere, even if it’s far away from where I am.

There is only one person who might help me prevent her death, and that’s who I’m going to see. I’m rushing through the halls of Hogwarts Castle, heading for the Entrance Hall, pulling on my traveling robes as I go, when I hear the voice behind me.

“Where are you going, Severus?”

I jump and turn around. Victoria Chesleigh, the Arithmancy professor, is behind me, her auburn hair loose over dark blue robes.

I stare. What on earth is she doing here so late? “I don’t believe that’s any of your affair, Victoria,” I say coldly, as I fasten my cloak and reach into my pocket, touching my wand. My hand is trembling, and I know Victoria sees it.

“You look half-mad, Severus; what’s happened?” she asks, easily keeping pace with me as I stalk toward the stairs and make my way down toward my destination. Victoria grips my arm, and it takes all of my self-control not to strike her. I haven’t got much control right now, as it is. I can’t stop thinking about the echoing words of Sibyll Trelawney, the icy knowledge that it’s Lily, my Lily, he’s after…the need for her to live, just to live…

Victoria’s concerned eyes are still fixed on me. They’re green, and this is what does it. Desperation fills me as tears rush to my eyes. I blink, knowing that every second I stand here is a second that I could be doing something to protect her. My Lily who was never truly mine.

I wrench my arm from my colleague’s grasp. “Please, Victoria,” I snap, “leave me alone, and don’t follow!”

Victoria must sense the desperate plea in my tone, because she doesn’t follow me as I leave the school and walk as quickly as I can to a spot far enough away from the grounds that I can Disapparate to the hill where I’ve arranged to meet Dumbledore, to beg him, should it prove necessary, to protect the woman I love.

* * *

 

“Don’t kill me!” I say as I see him before me. He’s here, as I knew he would be, but I know he doesn’t trust me. Why would he? In his place, I wouldn’t.

“That was not my intention,” Dumbledore replies.

I look into his eyes. “The prophecy,” I say, not wasting a moment. “It means…her. Lily Potter. He-the Dark Lord-he thinks it means her.”

“Sibyll Trelawney’s prophecy referred to a boy, not a woman,” says Dumbledore.

Reflexively, my hand curves around my wand. “Yes,” I say, struggling to keep my voice under control, “but the boy…the Dark Lord believes that it’s her son.”

Dumbledore inclines his head. “And so?” he asks, with pretend carelessness. “What is that to you? I would think it would be more convenient for a Death Eater that his master knows who it is that he targets.”

I take a step toward him. I know he’s baiting me; he’s implying that Lily being targeted shouldn’t make any difference to me. He’s implying that I don’t care, when he knows full well that I have never cared so much about anyone than I do about Lily.

I draw a deep breath. “Please,” I say. “I’m here…to ask you…to protect her.”

“Her?” thunders Dumbledore. “Just her? Her husband and her son are of no concern to you?”

I close my eyes. “Protect all of them,” I amend. “Please.”

“You disgust me, Severus,” says Dumbledore. I don’t reply. There’s nothing I can say.

Dumbledore sighs. “Very well,” he says. “If I were to protect them-“ he emphasizes the word 'them' “-what would you give me in return?”

I grit my teeth. I know there’s only one answer to this question, but if it means Lily’s life, I’m willing to give it. “Anything,” I say. “I will do anything.”

* * *

 

I’m collapsed in a chair in the empty Great Hall. I couldn’t get any further. I’m sobbing into the sleeve of my robe, and I hardly even realize I’m doing it. She’s gone…gone from me forever…Lily, my Lily…

Gone, despite Dumbledore’s word. Gone, despite the fact that I’ve changed my allegiance, that I’ve sacrificed what dignity I had left, that I put my life at risk, that Dumbledore knows what I’ve concealed from others for all these years…

 _“The best of you.”_ That’s what Dumbledore called my feelings for her. Perhaps it’s true, but now, it feels like the most terrible thing in the world.

I’m starting to come under control again, starting to think about the commitment I’ve just made-to protect Lily’s son-when I hear footsteps. I cringe; no one should see me like this. I quickly wipe my eyes and stand, but she’s already there. She comes close. Far too close.

“Severus?” Victoria Chesleigh looks frightened. “What is it?”

I shift away from her. My throat is too raw for speech, but I stare at her over my shoulder in a way that I hope conveys my message: that I don’t want to talk. That I can’t talk. That I want to be alone.

But somehow, she knows.

“Is it true, Severus?” she asks, timidly. “Is it true that You-Know-Who is gone?”

I give a small jerk of the head in reply. Under the circumstances, it’s all I can manage. I think again of Lily’s son…her eyes, Dumbledore said. Lily’s eyes, cold, dead…and I’m in tears again, slumped back into the same chair. I can’t help it, even though I know Victoria is still there. I may have to kill her just for seeing this, I think bitterly…but then I shudder at the thought. I can’t possibly do to another soul what mere hours ago was done to Lily.

“Go, Victoria,” I hiss. She doesn’t move.

“He got them, didn’t he?” she asks miserably. “The Potters?”

I sit up quickly. “GO!” I bellow, pain and misery lending voice to my parched throat. “Please!”

Still, Victoria does not leave. “You loved her, didn’t you?” she asks. “Lily Potter?”

More pain, endless pain, and fury rush up. I open my mouth, perhaps to deny it, perhaps to confess, but in the end I do neither. I break down again. “How,” I choke out, “how did you-”

“How did I know? We were at school together, Severus, and I’ve known you for years since. Some things can’t be concealed from everyone.”

She knows. She’s known for years; perhaps she knew before Dumbledore.

“Don’t tell,” I say hoarsely. “Don’t.”

“Never,” she replies. “You have my word.” She pauses. Her green eyes study me. “But tell me, Severus,” she says, very quietly, “how long?”

I freeze, as I did so many times in front of Lily herself, back in school, when I was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt. How long, Victoria asks, how long have I loved Lily? The answer is clear.

“Always,” I tell her, and the pain assaults me again.

* * *

 

So.

The Potter boy must die after all.

And Dumbledore wonders whether I care for him?

He’s mad.

I have to show him that which I’ve never shown. To prove my real reason; to show who it is that I truly care for.

 _“Expecto Patronum!”_ I say, and Lily’s doe flies from my wand and sails out the window. She is the result of years of love, and when I cast her, naturally my happy thoughts are of Lily. I don’t have many happy memories that don’t involve her somehow. I watch the silver doe leave, and then I turn back to Dumbledore. Perhaps now, he will understand.  
He is staring at me, astounded. “After all this time?” he asks, his blue eyes shining with tears.

I return his gaze, and I give him the same answer I gave to Victoria Chesleigh seventeen years ago.

“Always,” I say.

Always, my Lily.


End file.
